Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The A-Z Challenge Day 11 "K" is for Killer Kitty~ Part 1.
“Okay, Butt-munch, you got my attention, my paws is as high as I can gets 'em. Nice gun. You’re not seriously tryin’ to make me believe you’re gonna use that damn thing? In front of all these witnesses. Take a look-see behind you dummy. You is on the screen man, even you aint that stupid. But then again…!
“What’s a matter with you? Did you have your sense of humor removed in that damned hospital, along with any other sense they might have found?
“So all right already, loosen up that trigger finger for a spell; before these nice folks call in the S.P.C.A, F.B.I, C.I.A, N.B.C, N.Y.P.D or even their Momma’s.
“As you nice folks can see, I am plainly in a purr-dicament. Now I don’t understand why Butt-munch here is so damn upset. So I’ll try an tell you guys out there what happened. Maybe you can figure out what I is supposed to have done wrong.
“Couple weeks back I was hangin’ around under the sofa; just doing kitten stuff … you know … kitten stuff!
"Anyways my bro’ and me had been watchin’ that big boxy thingy with all the people and stuff stuck inside it. Shit, I wish I could figure how they do that. Man, it has gots to be crowded and stinky in there.
"So we was watchin’ our favorite thing; the big old fat cat trapped in that thing was just about to get his plate of food … for about the tenth time that mornin’!
"I shit you not. He was. Bro’ and I was takin’ notes, we planned on practicin’ all his moves, to see if we’d get fed that often!
“Well, Butt-munch, here, comes out of the other room. The room with all the water in it, that de-stinks ‘em for a while.
"Would I lies to ya? It does. They stand under this damn waterfall on purpose, and they sing and stuff. It’s got to be some sort of code thing, cause the female that feeds us does it too. But never at the same time as Butt-munch.
“I swear to you, the big man with the gun comes out of that room, without his skin on. I shit you not! He did.
"All of the skin he normally had was gone, disappeared, vamanoosed, departed, left. You getting’ the picture here. This was not a good look. Trust me.
“Ug-ly, I’m talkin’ industrial-strength, chromium-plated, nausea-causing … Ugly!
“He had this big hunk of squishy stuff, that sorta wobbled all over like jello; and to think I used to lay on that. But, who knew?
“Anyways my bro’ and I were watchin’ the cat thing, when old Butt-munch, starts out hollerin’ about somethin’ called football bein’ on. Seems he couldn’t find the grey thingy with the buttons on it that changes the people into other people. It does. Trust me.
“My bro’ and me were playin’ with it and of course I wasn’t about to let Butt-munch know that. We just kept jumpin’ on those little button thingy’s, till more cat’s with food appeared.
“Well, my gun tottin’ friend here is gettin’ himself in a fine old state, stompin’ around and hollerin’ out somethin’ about losin’ his remote control. Man from where I was sittin' that was not the only control he’d lost.
"So, old Butt-munch stands up an walks over to this thing and touches somethin’ on the front. Then he slaps it around a little to get its complete attention. He was beginnin’ to show clear signs of a dis-sturb-in’ temper.
"My favorite cat suddenly disappeared. He must have been trampled to death by this whole other bunch of people who was runnin’ around, beatin the livin’ crap out of one another over a dumb-assed ball.
"I promises, they was.
“So bro’ and I jumped on the buttons some more, till we found us some other critters, man these things were gi-normous; how they fit inside tha--oh, never mind! I was still in kitty-cat-shock over the cruel way the well-fed cat had met his end.
“Anyways, Butt-much, gets up again! And he goes over and bends down to see if he can get those other dumb-assed, people-bashin', ball-chasing, cat-stomper-oners back. He’s all bent over concentratin’ on this murderous bunch.
“Well, this big, ugly, old, squishy, hairy, scary thing, was just hangin’ there, down below where he had broken his ass. I shit you not. His ass was cracked all the way down. Man, that thing was bro-ken! Two halves of one huge ugly.
"By this time me and the bro’ was bored. You know how it is. So this thing hangin’ down and swayin’ from side to side looked, interestin’. Ug-ly but interestin’. Butt-munch hadn’t moved he was stayin’ right there in case the cat murderin’ people got changed on him again.
“So I wandered on over and sat myself underneath that thing. I gotta tell you the view from where I was sittin’ was no Christmas card.
“So, I’s a kitty cat, I does what kitty-cats do. We find somethin’ that bobs and dangles you just know were gonna have a closer inspection. So natchaly I jumped straight up, to do my job.
“Well let me tell you, I feared for my small cuddly life, and as you know, you get a cat scared enough it’s just gonna, hang on, tight. So of course, that’s what I did.
I wrapped my itty-bitty paws around that thing, two front ones on the long bit, and two back ones on them other squishy things, I dug my tiny sharp little claws in, and hung on.
“Well, Butt-munch, was screamin’ fit to raise the dead, he took a swipe at me, and I clung even tighter.
“The female that feeds me came runnin’ in to see what all the ruckus was about. She took one look at Butt- munch, runnin’ and screamin’ and yankin’ at my scared self, and she yells at him not to hurt me. Then she sets down on the floor laughin’ so hard she can’t get back up.
“He’s yellin’ out that he was dyin’, and she sorta gets the idea. So she picks up that thingy where everybody talks to themselves, with one hand held up at the side of their heads. She tells Butt-munch to calm down. But while she was talking to herself, she started laughin’ again, and just kept on sayin’, “It not a hoax, I swear it’s true, I’m serious, and you better hurry!”
“Bless her, I was so grateful that she was gonna get help for me.
"Butt-munch was still tryin to yank me off my safe perch, but I was goin’ nowhere. He used his weapon of Gas-destruction on me. My fur started to frizzle and the paint on them walls was peeling . So of course, I sunk my teeth into the end bit just to be sure he understood that this was not gonna move me none.
“This wailin’ noise started outside and got louder and louder, I never been so scared in my small cuddly life.
“Then the wailin’ stops and these two other humans climb on out and come hurryin’ on in. They had real fancy skin. Well they take a look at the situation, and start holdin’ each other up and splutterin’, I swears to ya, they were so damn worried about me they had tears on their faces.
"I was truly moved, but not enough to let go.
“Well they started talkin to each other, and tellin’ the female, that "the best way to help me was to stroke me till I calmed myself down enough to let go" She was sayin’ that "she wasn’t gonna stroke anywhere’s near that thing, cause it wasn’t his birthday." Then they all busted up laughin’ again, exceptin’ you know who. The other’s were talkin about strokin’ pussies, and not bein’ that bent, whatever that means. Then Butt-munch’s female says, “At least if you put it in a splint, it may stay up a while.” Well I swear to you all three of them were holdin' on to each other, and they was all cryin’.
“So, round about that time, Butt-munch here, starts yellin out that he’s gonna get her back, when he gets his hands on her.
"Then he’s screams out that he’s bleedin’ to death.
"Well I don’t know about you peoples out there, but little me took one look at that red-stuff all over my itsy bitsy paws, and that’s all she wrote …
“My bro’ tells me they were fearful for my life, cause Butt-munch was gettin’ ready to stomp on my tiny, helpless, little, furry, cute-as-a-button, passed-out ass.
“It appears that it took the female, and the two fancy skinned gentleman, to hold him back.
"I shit you not. It did.
“They took him away in that wailin’ thing, to a place called a hospital, where they treat you real nice, and fix up broken stuff. So I figure his ass has been repaired.
“While I’ve been explainin’ to you kind folks what a terror I have been through, Mr. Butt-munch has put down his nice gun.
“He just told me there were no hard feelin’s and to prove it, he’s gonna take me someplace when I’m a bit older that I’m just gonna love. It’s called a Vet. Seems they can do to me what I almost did to him.
"But my ass ain’t broke.
"But hey, the way he’s a laughin’ it must be somethin’ pretty damn good; right?"
"Why does I gets the feelin' there is somethin’ y’all ain’t tellin’ me?"
There are two follow up posts to this story, Tomorrow will be L for Love and then M for "Mountains of Madness"...You'll understand when you read the posts I had such a ball er-hem writing this little Anthropomorphic selection .